Who is to blame?

 

For a while now, the UN has always had 16 days of activism to create awareness among people on the dangers of Gender based violence especially against girls and women. At the end of this year’s 16 days of activism, I remembered a conversation that I had with a female friend and  felt it’s worth sharing.

On a rainy Monday evening I received a call from Charlotte (not real names) requesting to see me the following day, I was surprised with the tone she spoke in and felt a little nervous.  On our meeting  the conversation started with laughter telling of how we both missed each other and some of the funny old memories we shared. The environment setting changed upon calling my name as she said, “Josh, I want us to date.” I got so confused because this is a young lady who has two children and besides it didn’t seem to add up.It was a shock that kept me asking why “Charlotte the known beautiful slay queen, fun and happy family she seems to have, rich loaded guy; the father of her children”. Why wish to make a fuss of her family, I pondered and asked her why, in deafening sobs, she told me how she was fed up of being with him. At this point I gave her all my attention to listen to what she had to say.

 

 She narrated, "I have an elder sister whom I frequently visited when I was young, and  spent a good time there because it seemed more fun than where my parents stayed. My sister used to give me everything I wanted because she had a rich husband and this kept me frequenting her home in order to enjoy the things that my parents rarely offered. It was fun being there and since I was so close to my sister even before her marriage, in times when we annoyed each other making up took the shortest time possible. One day my sister, her husband and I went for a wedding at one of the best hotels in Kampala, I was mesmerized with everything I saw because it was the first time I went to such a glamorous place. I ate nice food, met some new people, the wedding was colorful and this is where my sister’s husband introduced his friend Nicholas (not real names) to me. He was a tall light skinned handsome dude but I was not taken up by that because I had met so many people at the party. However, Since then, Nicholas started frequenting my sister’s home and whenever I was there, I saw him for around three days per week. I later on got to know that Nicholas was interested in me and I also liked him because he was a handsome guy and rich.  He asked me out for a date where he proposed to me and I joyfully accepted. By this time, I was sixteen years old in my senior four vacation and Nicholas was thirty five years. As the saying goes, age is just a number, I did not even think of saying no to him regardless of the age. It was against my will but we traditionally got married however I was surprised when he faked that I was twenty seven which got me surprised. My sister and the husband gave it a go ahead and this is where I got to know that it was there plan but I was super excited to move in with this man.

The first months of marriage were so nice and fun, we used to go out and he loved me so much until I realized that I was pregnant. Nicholas’ attitude towards me changed drastically, he started coming home late drunk and battered me every day. I successfully gave birth to a bouncing baby boy and he used to provide everything for the home and our son however the beating did not stop. I persevered and stayed with him because my culture does not  acknowledge beating as a reason to divorce. When the battering got so overwhelming I decided to just run away from Nicholas, felt like I couldn’t handle it anymore. Unfortunately, where I sought refuge, survival was hard and was left with no option apart from going back. When I got back, we reconciled and he made me pregnant again, but after a while he embarked on his habit of beating and I ended up having a miscarriage. I thought this was the point of our final breakup, I left his home the second time and promised myself never to go back. At this point I had no job, and still failed to sustain my son’s well-being because he was young, I tried asking for handouts from people and they  looked at me as a burden to them. I decided to return to Nicholas again because he would beat me but provide  what could sustain me even if it wasn’t too much. A few months of return, I got my third pregnancy nevertheless I had a successful delivery and this time it was a baby girl. Nicholas did not stop beating me, even when I had grown up from the sixteen year old that he got married to. At this point I really decided to leave and may be get another man that is why I am asking us to date josh, I realized money is not everything. You are a good friend and the way you have always cared about me I believe you can be a good father to my kids. Maybe that’s the way I will feel secure and not go back to Nicholas, I am really tired."

After hearing all this, I felt sorry and bad at the same time but kept on wondering because Charlotte looks so gorgeous, and was financially stable thinking that she was on cloud nine.  I imagined the kind of life she was going through, about me and her dating will be a story of another day but I wrote this article to let the world know what girls and women are going through, they are tortured but have  no way of reporting because they are not empowered. In the 21^st century she got married as a teenager and went through domestic violence every day and the best thing she could do was running away and returning because she had no child support. This kept me asking WHO IS TO BLAME for her violence.

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The beholden life of a Ugandan

Photo credit: Shutters struck

Being born a Ugandan is one of the most interesting things that can ever happen to a person. Those who were not born and haven’t lived in Uganda, before you die there is a debt of visiting this country that must be paid. Oh Yes, Ugandans are born crying, not different from that kid born in the United States or china and Germany. Blood sweat and tears is what we go through just like a person living in any other country, but we are unique in our way of amity. People are so friendly and some become relatives when their blood is not linked in any manner but may have perhaps met in school, work or any other place that created a strong bond among them. This is a good culture however in a long run, it creates a debt mindset. In Uganda When a child is born a lot of people congratulate the parents (but the mom receives more congratulatory messages than the dad) and come with gifts as a sign of welcoming the new born to the world. Leave alone the blowing winds of baby showers that are coming from the western world, no celebrations were made before childbirth. From birth and during growth the baby keeps receiving gifts from friends and family of the parents. At age three or four the child starts going to school and in most cases the support will not only come from parents but also friends and family. It is very sporadic for a parent to single handedly bring up a child and there is a Luganda saying which says “omwaana takuzibwa omu,”loosely translated as a child is not raised by one person.  When chased from school as a tuition defaulter, the parent can seek assistance from the friends and relatives, some might ask for their money back however most don’t.  During holidays, many children are sent to the parents’ friends and relatives’ homes to spend time there. Some do it as a way of grooming since they believe that being in a foreign home the children will start behaving well while to most it is a symbol of togetherness between the parents. All this happens when a child is still in school and at the parents place.

 When the child is all grown, finishes school or doesn’t but starts working, it will be a time of returning the favor. Parents will always wish the best out of a child but he/she will have to provide some of the earnings to them. As the parents are thanking their child for the provisions, they remember an auntie who provided tuition for this kid. “I had no money when you were doing your primary finals, your auntie bailed me out, give her something too,” says the parent in a persuasive tone. On the way to see the auntie, you come across your mum’s friend in whose home you used to spend holidays, you give her something even without her asking because it feels like you owe her. At the auntie’s place you find her last born son who has been chased from school, she cannot ably pay for him because she is a retired government worker. You put a declaration from that day, you will be the one in charge of his tuition and every time kids are about to go back to school a phone call is made requesting for the funds. While walking on street, you meet a childhood friend whom you were really tight with and always got your back in times of trouble but contact was lost when his parents were transferred up country. He asks what you are up to lately and you hand over the business card to him. A few days later you receive a random call and it is this childhood friend having a sick child, because you two have a rich history you send him money however it becomes a habit since he feels that you are obliged to pay his dues since he did when you were kids. On one of the days you visit the village people expect something from you, even those who just carried you as a baby will want something for the work they did. All in all a Ugandan lives a life of paying debts whose origin might not be known. I am still proud to be a Ugandan regardless.

For richer, for richer????

I really hate the new whatsapp idea of statuses which keep flowing and have consumed a lot of my data bundles.By the way at times there is really interesting stuff worth data consumption and its  where I watched a video that got me wondering what has befallen our societies. In this video a woman exchanging marriage vows in probably a church (the location is not clear) where she is instructed to say “for richer for poorer”. Instead she says for richer for richer and the people were all agog plus his upcoming husband too. However what I see in the eyes of this lady regardless being teary is disobedience and  greed,  trying to send a signal of “hey I am not going be on your side when you get broke” to the husband. This clearly shows the rising of a money wanting generation of girls and I am not saying all of them do, some don’t really care about that. I partly shared my thought about this video on Facebook and one of my friends told me how a tongue can create, which I agree with. But when it comes to money related issues people claim wealth by using their tongue and don’t work hard thereby ending up broke. I have witnessed many weddings happen but no one has defied the instructor’s orders but a great deal have been successful in their marriages and are rich. Now here comes this lady replying her own things. I know some might get surprised by a youth looking at this as a 90 year old but lately young couples mainly get attracted to partners mainly because of their financial stands. Many marriages have broken up just because of being based on money and other materialistic things that may fade away. 

Anyway this lady failed to be obedient to whoever was instructing her what to say, fact being you are not forced to choose a church in which you are to get married. They also go through a pre-marriage counseling and are told how to behave when in a home and submission is part the things told to them. What shows that she might not be submissive is by refusing to say what the instructor told her. If she did that in the multitudes of people what about when they are two people (her and the husband). This clearly indicates she is not ready for poverty regardless of being disobedient. Okay yes no one wants to be poor but we should let our minds be prepared for anything that might come, besides life is not a straight line.

  well, this is my opinion.

A mother's thought

A few days back I was at the launch of a former class mate’s wedding meetings. Everyone was in high spirits happy for the yet to be young couple, the budget was read and pledges were made.  Those who were broke, had all the rights to remain silent or whatever they spoke would have been used against them in the courts of law. The couple shared with us a nice barbecue which I had last tasted at the start of the year (I am really craving for another one of the sort but that’s not so important). What is important is the old lady who was sitting in front of me. I realized she was over staring at me amidst both of us eating the yummy details. I felt some discomfort and I really wanted to know what this woman was looking at. As time went by I realized she was looking at the barbecue serving point that was right behind where I was seated. When the meeting got done I noticed that this lady was packing what was left off that we had eaten. I almost judged her but a lot of things tiptoed through my mind..she might have left children at home with nothing to eat therefore she didn’t want to reach home satisfied when they are hungry. She might have left beans and posho in the saucepan but in our culture meat is prestigious so going with some meat back home the children will receive her with their arms open wide plus some hugs .she might have wanted to eat more at when she goes back to place of residence because we were “told food tastes better at home.” Respect mothers, they sacrifice a lot for their children, they go through a lot to put a smile on the faces of the people at home.

so what about girl cliques

Many girls belong to a clique that they relate with and these usually constitute about three or more people. Of course there is always something common that brings them together like a class, work, school, room or even from other friends. This makes them get a sense of belonging. They start walking, eating, playing and doing a number of things together. This is when our social Medias are flooded with pictures with captions of bffs for life, out with my girls, girls’ day out etcetera. This makes them think that they got a sense of belonging and mostly feel comfortable and loved when they are around their clique mates.

These groups usually have three categories of people, there is always that rich top boss lady, the mediocre bourgeoisie and the broke one. The boss ladies mostly contribute about 80% on the finances of clique. They are always the money lenders, problem solvers and their say in decision making is usually final because the other members know that they can hardly survive without them. The mediocre at most just have what is enough for them and hardly contribute a thing to the group. The broke ones are the ones usually sent to shops, told to carry bags or any other hard work because their survival in the groups depends on the others so they have to impress.

It’s not by accident that these girls put on similar items like jewelry, clothes, hair styles and pieces among others. This is all determined by the peers at times it’s not by telling each other but due to the fight to meet standards of peers. A friend of mine told me that she hates girl groups because of what happens in them. She went ahead and explained how the cliques tend to dictate one’s ways of life and the independence amongst many individuals is stepped on.

It’s not by accident that these girls put on similar items

 When one finds the right group there are a lot of benefits from them. For those who are Christian girls they can be developed spiritually, some find job opportunities, the ones still in school complete their assignments on time if they are in the academic oriented cliques. That’s why at times cliques can be good because they motivate people towards beneficial things.

These groups can be hurting especially because of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). This may happen in case there is a gig that happened and one of the peers was left out. This results into depression because the neglect ask themselves many questions as to why they were left out. Research shows that exclusion triggers activity in the same part of the brain that controls pain, says Judith V.  Jordan, PhD, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. Keith Negley in the article 6 things everyone needs to know about girl cliques said that for some kids ejection from a friend group can be more painful than being rejected by a crush because that pain involves only one person. This brings a lot of emotional torture amongst many because it portrays that you are a rejection of the many members that subscribe to that group. But at times it’s necessary, you need to find new people.

Do I have an addiction?

Whenever we see or hear addiction what comes to our mind is drugs, alcohol and any other thing related but it’s much more than that, Anybody can be addicted to anything, anyhow and anywhere. The oxford English dictionary defines addiction as the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance or activity.  And according to Harvard Health Publication in their article “understanding addiction” they say the word addiction is derived from the Latin term “enslaved by” or “.bound to. “This therefore means addiction entails much more than substances...activities, people (more so loved ones), gadgets, rooms, music, sport like soccer, gambling among others. many people don’t realize their addictions rather think that they just love or like certain things or activities.

Some people also get addicted to rare activities like leisure, loneliness, stealing, sleeping. And there is always discomfort whenever someone does not do a certain them. Therefore they have to look left, right and center in order for these activities to be fulfilled.

It took one good friend of mine time to admit that he was addicted to his phone until it broke down. He felt like his world had come to an end, could not easily access online information, hardly communicate, went to bed early and other things he used not do. I realized this was his addiction.

 I have a personal friend who can literally do nothing the moment internet goes off. Of course he is a computer scientist yes, but he cannot do without the internet. In case anything challenges him he runs to the internet as soon as possible, he is good at asking Google, accesses tutorials on you tube, reads news online and tweets a lot. He openly confesses his love for the internet in broad day light and one can also witness it because he sits on his computer from morning to night. Only getting lunch and tea breaks, and also some stretches then gets back to his PC. When he goes to bed, he stays on his phone until his eyelids cover the pupil. Now this is an addiction which is not on a substance.

An addiction doesn't grow overnight, it’s a gradual process which starts slowly and develops with time from a second, minute, hour, day, month and year. Neither is recovery from addiction a drastic change, it takes time around 21 days to recover from activity addiction and 90 days from a substance.

However addictions can be harmful whether substances or activities. Substances like alcohol marijuana, cigarette can cause damage to body organs and tissues. The activities like internet usage, sleeping, loneliness, theft can affect our relationships with people, make us miss out once in a lifetime events. Therefore one needs to seek help from rehabilitation centers, counselors, religious leaders (because many addictions are sin). Check your self, see what you are addicted to and make some adjustments before it’s too late.